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I Wash My Ass Like A Man lyrics

I wake up in the morning, ahh, satin covers
I have my breakfast with some lovely herbal tea
And then I brush and floss my teeth and hit the shower
Honeymilk shampoo and facial cream and then it’s time for little ol’ me to wash my…

ASS!

Ew, what are you doing?
I’m washing my ass.
It looks like you’re trying to kill it
Honey, this is how a man washes his ass

Listen

I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man

This is what we do
Gotta get them traces of poo
From the top of the ass crack all the way to the ball sack
I wash my ass like a man
Use some water and soap and a gun that goes bang!
There are species down there unknown to mankind
And when the shit hits the fanny shit gets crazy behind
I take my hand and reach for detergent and bleach
Eliminate the dingleberries and wipe ’till it bleeds
This ain’t no PH friendly soap
It’s f***ing acid on a cactus
Smear some hydrocortisone on a rock
That’s the practice

There is no escapin’
Gotta get that butthole gapin’
With the razor blades scrapin’
We be fistin’ ass rapin’

I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I pluck my eyebrows now and then and wash my ass like a man

Get out of the shower
Dry my ass with a towel
Then I smell that shit
Still smells like shit
Get back in there and wash it like a man again

I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man

Chicks can just splash some water to get that ass shiny
I wrap barbed wire ’round my hand and go Bruce Less on my hiney

Sandpaper, blow torch, chainsaw, pile driver
You got a breeze blowing gently between your cheeks
Smells of flowers and sunshine while my ass reeks

You got a hairless rear
I got a jungle down there
You could get eaten by an orangutan
Condition are worse than in Pyongyang

You gotta understand the consequences of ass
If we don’t wash it proper we’ll get lethal levels of methane gas
Biochemical shitstorms
Death and disease
If the UN went in there they would find WMD’s

So I rub and scrub and grope until I’m all outta breath
My hand is my Shepard in the valley of death

I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I do my yoga routine and I wash my ass like a man

I think I tore myself a new one when I washed my ass with that gun

Shit

I wash my ass like a man
I wash my ass like a man
I love scented candles and I wash my ass like a man

Ladies of the world heed the words of this song
Lend your man a hand and turn that high pressure washer on
High pressure washer on
High pressure washer on
Help your man get clean and turn that high pressure washer on

High pressure washer on
High pressure washer on
We can do it together with that high pressure washer on

Damn. My butt has never been this clean. You could practically eat off it. Fantastic.

Goddamnit

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